What I want most is structure, strength and stability

I am feeling great, enjoying this middle part of October on this change for greater things.  Today I am feeling really clear and full of optimism.  I have got through the past 2 weeks very well, a few hard moments but lucky I have realised that food can be just as comforting, so can a diet lemon lime and bitters so I am doing okay.  I am not succeeding on losing the weight I wanted to on the challenge and 70kg is still more than 5kg's away but hey I am sticking in there and I am doing this for me, my health and for the happiness of my family.  A more comfortable me will mean things work better around the house and I want that for my family. So as I chow down on my broccoli smoothie I reflect and say that things are great.  What I am getting right is that I am not giving up on what I want most for the momentary joy I get from choc or wine.  I wouldn't even think of drinking at the moment.  I have so much support behind me.  I do not feel embarrassed that I have put my story out there I just knew that for me, it would prove to be a helpful thing and man I was right.  I have raised over $300 for my quest and I am feel so damn good, it is the best thing I could be doing right now and for this I am winning.
Things I will work on for rest of the month.

1. Focused eating following a strict plan
2. Good hardcore exercise sessions 6 days a week
3. plan  my eating for the day the night before
4. Get ball rolling on plans for future
5. Work on the tax every day.

Go Me!

A celebration of the great things we are capable of doing

GREAt GOALS for October and beyond

1. Remain sober for Ocsober
2. Have all the tax lodged
3. Organise for bathroom to be redone
4. Get closer to 70kg
5. Feed my body great food for a cleaner and healthier existence
6.  Practise mindfulness and meditate
7.  Organise for bathroom to be redone
8.  Run stronger and faster

I think I may have turned a corner.  Feeling a cloud is lifting and I am coming into a more clear and calm existence.  If not only momentarily I am glad these moments are becoming more frequent in my life.

I have a fun and exciting term planned with my plan to remain Alcohol free at the forefront but I am also going to Byron to have a day of Yoga fun which will be the impetus for an evolving in my being. I am sick of thinking I need to BE different and think that I am a failure when I do not live up to my high expectations of DOING.  It is now time to called it .... an EVOLUTION>

The dictionary defines Evolution as..
a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development,


Sure this still means thing have to change.  I can do that but it will be gradual, peaceful and progressive.  I feel good thinking in those terms, it sounds so much more friendlier.  So off I go on my mission.  Day 2 and things are going well.  I will meet my goals.

YOU CHOOSE!

Post Stampede - onwards and upwards

Looking very cautious on slippery slide at Stampede
Look at me go, I am queen of the world

Hi Everybody..   A few weeks on and all is okay.  Just doing it at the moment. but that is okay.

Oh Yes, another challenge

I am laughing Rohan Atkinson laughing and saying..."It is a race, I am winning!". Off he goes out the door and he is stoked cos although his competetition is close on his tail, he is winning.  I am in a race and I am only winning if I am doing this at least 95% so I am yet to be winning.  It reminds me that I am currently in a competition.  I am not performing brilliantly but I am here and I am somewaht doing it.  As usual I get it right for 7/10 of the day and then I blow it.  Well at least today I can say I did not have any sultanas.

Yep, I am 20 and 67 ish kilos,

This competition has found me 5kg heavier than I have been for a while and the reality hit sets in again.  I look in the mirror and my confidence is waning, I can feel the flab around my gut and I don't like it.  I think to myself that it is time to set some new goals and feel the motivation and desire I need to so I can achieve something in this challenge but I am not quite in it, yet.  I still want to drink my beloved wine and I even spurge on chocolate occasionally so what gives?

That is me around 65ishkg's at 25

Me in April 2012

I need to find out what motivates me.  Why do I want to be 69.5kg?  Is it to say I can?  Is that a strong enough motivator.  I Kate want to be 69.5Kg because I CAN!!! Woohoo I feel the motivators screaming and cheering.  Kate Harrison got to 69.5 kilos because she could.  She was ready to eliminate that miffin top feeling and strived for the goal and reached it.  There I am 69.5kg light.  Lets see what that looks like....

So I have shown the me's.  The one to the right is me in April last year 2012 and I will take a photo of me now.

Maybe these can help motivate me a little.

Me today

Failure brings me that much closer to success

View over water at Mooloolaba

Here is a picture of what I am doing right now, ys lapping up the view and reflecting on the fun I have had this weekend.

I have met yet another goal and I am working  hard to try and tell myself what I achieved was great.  It was great.  Half marathon, 21.1k in 2 hours 1 min and 30 seconds.  I know it was almost 10 minutes slower that my training buddy who keeps on getting better but for me it was fine.  I found it hard and I pushed myself the best way I could based on my circumstances.  I am trying to come to terms with why I continue to not do as well as I hope to but I don’t get it and I am not sure it is worth wasting energy on.  I did it.  Most people don’t do it.  I came 60 in my age group out of 129 so that is pretty good .  I am always saying and totally believe that we should not compare ourselves to others but then I waste energy feeling crap that I cant gloat the PB’s that Deborah gets.  In fact I am getting worse.  I thought about the extra 3 kilos I carried and know that would have made a difference.  So then what do I want to do about it?  Eat more than I should and drink more too.  Ah listen to me, I am not liking this whole thought process.  This will be my last rambling blog.  From now on I going to try and be more informative based on my journey.  Well because I am so blessed to be able to see this beautiful  view and live my life I am going to concentrate my efforts on being more calm and healthful.

I am a little lost again as I have let the wining creep back in.  I am back on the horse today but I feel my resolve has diminished.  Sometimes I just can’t work me out.  I know we are surrounded by the culture and for me having Brett around wining makes it so hard.  I just want to lose the desire to drink and I know I would then be free.  I am back in the thought pattern I get into where I rationalize what I am doing saying it won’t effect me.  I am better and more relaxed etc….  I can still run, in fact you ran so well last week after having a few wines the night before.  I even thought it would be okay to drink a couple before my big Half Marathon because I was so fine the week before.  If anything the stupid heavy leg thing did not happen.  I do not think that the way I drink really effects my life.  That is whas hundreds and thousands of people say but no matter which way you look at it , you are.  Your body, your brain cells, your organs, your mind, your wallet, all are effected

I was looking back at past ramblings and even in February 2009 I was wishing I drank less.  I am almost 5 years into wishing I didn’t drink.  Sure I have had plenty of wonderful moments with wine but I am more tormented and lost than ever.  Okay I have been reading some things centred around spiritual stuff lately and I feel this is an area I need to add into my life.  I feel like something is missing and I have thought it was that my spark disappers with the medications I take to manage my moods but I think that it is the spiritual side of me that is my spark and I have left it behind.  I am doing well living in the moment but I want to ignite the forces within.  I feel like I am destined for something biger and Inknow all I have to do is tap into it and I will find it.   I think by meditating and doing more yoga I will find my spark and by including things like that which bring me health and vitality I will be more likely to drink.  I a think I am willing to give the Naltrexone treatment a go as I would like to train my brain to feel less happiness when I drink.  One thing that has really helped me is the fact that drinking alcohol releases endorphins and your brain gets used to that feel and basically craves it which is extrememly hard to tame.  As I understand it, unless you can do the same thing and have those receptors blocked you will forever have to deal with the alcohol monster.

Yep. not going too well but recognising the challenge

Yes, the title says it all.

I am currently in a holding pattern and have fallen into the vortex of my beloved wine.  Why?  Because I am more fun, I feel better, I can cope with what is going on within my environment with a much smilier  disposition.  You may call them excuses but I am calling them part of this evil addiction.  Do you know how evil my mind or I am?  Sometimes it is hard to separate the two.  I have found a book called... The cure for Alcoholism.  Boasting an 80 percent success rate.  Hilarious thing is that you actually have to be drinking in order for it to work.  So I think hell forgot this abstinence I will go back to drinking, see the doc and maybe get them to prescribe this naltrexone and finally be free of this evil hold.  But for now the abstinence is back on hold.

I will give you some basic background.  The Sinclair Method is what it is called and it basically works on the premise that Alcohol releases endorphins into our brain and we "learn" to drink. Some people are better at using that response to Learn to drink better than others and get hooked on getting that Endorphin rush and therefore find it harder to control their drinking.  So in order to stop.  You take a drug one hour before you drink which aims to stop you from getting that rush and therefore unlearning to drink for the rush.  You no longer get the rush and so therefore slowly your cravings subside and with that, your desire to drink and you are free of the addiction.  A key thing here is your brain is biologically addicted to drinking.

I have got sucked into the idea this may be for me because I am never fully free from the desire to drink. I keep having urges and cravings and fights with myself.  I am imagining that maybe I could be free of the desire simply by unlearning how to drink and therefore losing the desire to drink.  I think I may need this if I truly want to be free.

So at the moment I am giving myself permission to drink.  I know, I know, I said I would stop but I am listening to my brain and I am thinking.  As long as wine is around me I have to learn to stop loving it or I will be forever tormented and that just is not how I want to live my life.  I want to be free.

The story continues....