Yes last night sucked but lately it seems we have way too many sucky days. I don't write here much anymore because I feel like I am stuck in the biggest dumper wave and there is no way out. I can't find my way to the sanctuary of my writing or perhaps I just do not want to document this hell I am living in. Everyday is a battle of me saying I have to get it together, telling myself not to drink, counting to 10 to calm down and never making it past 5, wishing I could just run away, being frightened to fall asleep on the couch, wishing my kids could just make things easier for us by loving each other and themselves and what this family means to us. It is so hard. I turned to the bottle again, cos I am being challenged yet again by my boys extreme behaviours. How many mums get told daily to f off and are told they are a loser and are hit, pushed or kicked in some fashion by their 11 years old? How the hell am I going to handle this for the next 5 or more years. Alcohol is just a temporary crutch. It is not going to get me out of this hole. I need to find a way to FIX this.After my counselling session I feel like I have yet again off loaded a lot, I have to find something to replace my boozy habit. I love when I am practising my mindfulness exercises but so often forget to use them at the most crucial times. I also have to see if I can drink moderately, is it an all or nothing for me? I know now that Brett is unwilling to help me by trying to abstain for a while so I have to do it despite of that. Oh if only the feelings I get from the first sip didn't feel so good. Well lets just see how I go. Any wagers on how you think I might go?
