Saturday 22 November 2014

What is done is done

Zen Frog is me for the time being.  I have moved out of my family home in the hope of bringing my family more peace.  The conflict and pain was too much for all of us to bare and something had to be done.  I know that my choice is not liked and I wish there was a better way but I can't find one and so this is the way it will be. I am feeling myself slowly wither away  from the anguish, abuse, pain, fear and continual berating and criticism.  I am better than what you think I am and I need to get the hell up and show us all that this is no way to live.  Who knows what the future will bring.

Saturday 16 August 2014

Tiny Habits

I  often wonder why my brain thinks the way it does and whether how I think is the same as others.  After reading that previous post I am thinking I am bizarre.  I really need to simplify this whole change thing.  Why is it so hard to change?  Why am I so preoccupied with wanting to change?  Why do many of my wanting to change things centre around weight?  How can I simply live  healthy life and be happy with where I am?

I started all this knowing that my mind had to agree that all was great but some things could be better.    We are constantly evolving aren't we?  If we are not happy with what we have how can we really get the change we need positively and successfully?  We are chasing something that is far to intangible if we are not happy where we are.  So here I am now.  Things are a bit shitty and depending on how I phrase it, it will be seen that I need to change.  I feel like I always have to change.  Why can't I be happy with where I am and just not want to change?  I am going around in circles now.

I am searching for the magical mindset.  The mindset that will send me forward in a positive directions doing things that will result in a better me.  Okay, that makes sense.  It is all about mindset.  Time for a mind shift...

We have to think about how to change successfully so here are some ideas I gathered from a quick troll around the internet.

1.  If you really want to change habits you need to start small.  One carrot at a time.  Make them seem so small they seem trivial.
2.  Habits don't start feeling "automatic" until you've done them for about 66 days straight
3.  Tiny habits is the way to start doing it..
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/simple-mini-habits-can-change-life/


Okay have been taken away by the internet.


Tuesday 12 August 2014

Now that is what I call having a cup of tea

I had to record this for later reading.

Its four PM.  Nearly time for a rendezvous you think.  A kettle whistles in the background.  Instinctively you reach for a teabag and a cup.  Butterflies set in, their steamy relationship your little secret.  You pour the water and there they meet.  Mr Steamed Green Tea and Spicy Miss Ginger - together in your teacup.

Well let this be the beginning of something ;)

Saturday 9 August 2014

"It really is enough and I am not just trying to make you feel better."

How many times have you decided in your own mind that you have had enough of your daily bad habits and vowed to change?  I am 41 and have probably made about 3 or 4 vows every year since I was 20 so over the past 20 years I have made about 80 attempts to make change.  Of those attempts I would say maybe 5 of them were successful.  Here are my most notable achievements...
1.  My most recent attempt to give up alcohol
2.  A good weight loss success back in late 2011 where I went from 90kg to 75kg and have generally been able to stay about 3kg either side of that for the past three years.  I changed my relationship with food.
3.  After the birth of my second child I weighed in at about 115kg and managed to get back down to about 90kg in 2005 with a pretty strict regime.
4.  Staying pretty healthy during my child rearing years from 2002 - 2009, I had some great moments back then.  I wish I had bottled it as I forget what sort of mindset I was in.
5. Managing my mental health (only now can I say that I have that in the bag.)

So I am sitting asking myself yet again, what am I going to do to make a change.  I am tired of being overweight and disliking what I see in the mirror.  Why am I forever thinking about changing and only making very small insignificant achievements most of the time and basically wishing things were different all the time.  My mission lately has been to try and be the best version of me I can whilst remaining true to my values.

Are there people out there who live happy, healthy lives where they are not preoccupied with thoughts of how they are going to change things almost all the time?  Can I ever be simply happy with where I am knowing that I am doing okay? The answer of course will always be to some degree that you are doing okay and your doing the best you can etc...but it never seems to be enough.  When I was drinking dangerously large amount of alcohol I couldn't say that.  When I am eating way more than my body requires I can't say that.  But most importantly and probably the one area I neglect the most, when I am not being true to myself and ignoring my personal and spiritual needs I am not doing okay.

So here I am contemplating yet another change but I want things to be different this time.  I want to take everything that I have collectively learned over the years to get to a place where I am totally comfortable with what I am doing knowing that it is enough.

Lately a big theme of my personal development is being able to say that things are good enough but the critical side of me who is rather clever and unrelenting argues very loudly.  It is not good enough to be living in body that is heavier then it should be to be healthy.  It is not good enough that you do things that don't feel right.

It is time to live more deliberately and purposely and pay attention to that little voice inside.  I know you want to tell me that I am good enough and I AM, but what I am doing isn't and there in lies my impetus for change.

Monday 4 August 2014

Determined

Still alcohol free, dum dee dee dee dee.  It has been a while but I am back and ready to shift back into my healthy habits and really reap the benefits of not drinking.  Time to eat less of the sweet stuff and more of the good stuff.  When you don't hear from me its usually because I am a little lost and overwhelmed and I have recently worked out that I then find myself keeping myself busy with stupid things and not being focused on helping myself move in the direction I want to go.  It is a hard life being me but I count my blessings everyday.  Is it really too self indulgent to pay a little more attention to the treatment of my magnificent temple.  Bow down and pray for our beautiful bodies and all the wonderful things the can do.

Wednesday 4 June 2014

I need to make a phone call to life

My big question to life is, What stops me from doing the things that would make my life happier and healthier and more fulfilling?  It has been a long time since I have ever gone over a month without wine and man it feel great.  I think my body is finally resetting itself and I really feel like the fog has lifted.  I have to say that it is only in hindsight that I realise how much adapting my body has had to do.  You often don't realise how bad it was until you are out of it and into somewhere good.   It took a little time but oh my goodness I feel so great and comfortable now.  I am revelling in the FREEDOM and I am loving my sobriety.

One big question I am wondering about is why didn't I do it sooner?  Lately I have been faced with many light bulb moments, big slaps of "see that wasn't so hard, was it?".  It is like you know what you need to be doing or what has to be done in order for things to be better but I wasn't doing them and now I am doing them I wonder why it took me so long.  I am a smart, intelligent woman but man I can be pretty stupid.  My husband has been hassling me over and over again to clear out the clutter in my office, I knew it needed to be done but I would come up with all kinds of reasons not to do, not procrastinating but rationalising why everything that was in there needed to be there. So for the past 4 years it had become and big mess.  For some reason, even though I knew life would be easier if I did it I just couldn't complete it the way it needed to be done.  So yesterday I took on the mission, with so much clarity I was a woman on a mission.  8 hours later everything is out of there, most thrown away and the only things in there are things I will need in the next month.  I feel so FREEEEEEE.  I have finally done what needed to be done.

There is certainly a correlation between this and my alcohol habit.  For two years I was trying to get it out of my life but I kept holding on to it with so many rationalisations as to why it could be in my life.  How wrong I was.  I guess there is little point wondering why it has taken me so long to get out of my rut.  I need to celebrate where I am here and now and continue to do all the obviously beneficial things for me and my family NOW.  It is all we have.

After thought.  I am reminded of something... The teacher will come when the student is ready.  I am now READY.

Wednesday 28 May 2014

Chocolate, how I love thee

So I started thinking about how much Chocolate and Peanut butter have been helping me lately but I thought I would also share my battle with Boozy Brain.  Oh tonight I heard him begging and trying every angle.  Screw you Boozy Brain.  I did not budge, I am steadfast on this Alcohol Free(AF) mission.  I am feeling my feelings and I am going to get through this tumultuous time AF.  This is a big test for me but I know I will be letting myself and my family down if I crumble and drink.  I have just watched my hubby deal with his pain by drinking hard tonight and it only makes me feel stronger. It strengthened my resolve to stay sober and as in control as possible given the circumstances.   We are dealing with a pretty sad situation at the moment as my son has got himself into a lot of trouble doing some very serious stuff, we are so befuddled and are feeling so hopeless.  This is our Reality Slap.  It is so painful but I am feeling it all.  The best part is that I am dealing with it not drinking it away.   I do not want to run away (well I kinda do, but I know I can't hide from this) but I am seeing things with such clarity.  I know things have to change and I am such a better me, ready and able to do what needs to be done.  My guy is only 11 and I so hope that I can pull him up from this and move with him in a better direction.  I will not put the past in front of me and revel in my failures.  I am here and this is where I am and I am on a mission to make a better life for us.  For the first time in a while I am proud of me and I KNOW it will only get better from here.  Thank you to chocolate for attempting to give me a little solace in these crazy times.

Monday 26 May 2014

My body is a barometer to my soul


Well here I am still going strong.  No drinking for me!! One big thing that is making it so easy is that I am such a better me when my life is not impaired with wine.  Now all those things I have been ignoring are coming to the surface. Anyone else find that? It is not just obvious stuff like how bad my nutrition was, how I handled the kids, how I presented myself and what sort of relationship I had with my hubby. There are other things like,  I am far more aware of the mess in the house, I have noticed many things I have only got kinda got right at work, I have ignored many family things and my body is sore, inflexible and out of wack.  I have neglected my yoga and man I am so stiff.  Yoga was so good for helping me stay in check with myself and really helped become a barometer to my soul. I did a stretch class the other day and I can't even to touch  my toes. I was a mess and i think i am going to use it as the impettious for a further over haul . I really think that handling my life stuff is going to start with paying attention to my body.  So now that I'm sober it's time to connect with my body and nurture my soul through yoga and hopefully the other stuff will flow from there. It may seem petty but amazing things can happen on the mat. I'm off to face the music now.

Monday 19 May 2014

Hooray I am FREE

Oh if you ever read my story from the beginning you will never have heard me write the way I am about to write.  I am finally FREE, I will never drink alcohol again and I am excited.  I have changed my whole attitude to it and I have no remorse.  I am not missing out I am loving life.  I love my teas and I love being a me I am proud to be.  I have lived for many years as a walking hypocrite and that has been so painful.  A walking contradiction.  I knew I did not have it together and would not be able to move forward until I extinguished my relationship with wine for good and it is now over I am a bit excited because I am really embracing this Never Drinking Again idea.  I really loved what I read on www.rational.org and it solidified what I have been wanting to do for ages...be free of the ugly hold I had on wine forever.  The Beast (my Boozy Brain) no longer walks with me and only sits in the shadows occasionally trying to convince me that I want to play with him but I am not paying him much attention.  This is what it has to be for me as I was painfully plagued with such guilt and torment for too long.  I am now the healthy fit person I have dreamed of being and no longer turning to the bottle for comfort.  I am feeling my feelings knowing that it really was not better seeking solace in the wine.  I just thought it was momentarily cos I am an instant gratification kind of girl.  The thing that signed the deal for me was the idea that I was allowing an animalistic, primitive part of my brain to rule my decisions (aka Boozy Brain or The Beast).  How pathetic.  I am far better than that so yes I have taken back my control and I am driving my "me" bus.  I hear another part of brain saying yeah yeah Kate its early days but I am not entertaining her either.  I am a much better me NOW and that is all that matters.
  


Sunday 11 May 2014

Bloody hell, will I ever get this right?

  It took me a few bumps to get started and I was struggling because I kept thinking that wine was my friend and I was making a sacrifice.  Then there were days where I said I am not drinking the wine, but Boozy Brain yelled louder. I thought,  I will just shut him up, and off I went to swill the noise away.  Oh how wrong I could be, letting a primitive animalistic creature govern my actions.  This is where I was at between April 14 and May 11, it was a slow process of discovery.  Not too many slips, like 5 I think but that has been part of the journey to where I am today.  happy Mothers Day Kate, your drinking days are OVER!!  I read a book by Jason Vale called, How to stop drinking easily and have finally adjusted my whole attitude and now I can say I will never drink again.  Things are changing, I feel it.


Monday 14 April 2014

OKAY 14 Weeks of no Alcohol challenge begins HERE and NOW

Just because I am not living the life I want to be living I have decided that it is not over yet.  I really thought because I didn't enter my 40's all healthy and well I might as well screw it all and wait until I am 50?  Lucky I got over that pathetic excuse.  So I have decided that being 40 was going to be a bit of a growth and evolutionary process for me and I was not just going to wake up on my 40th and be everything I wanted to be that makes me feel like I am heading in the direction of greatness.  Perfection takes time and I know it will be an evolving process but I think if I can stand up at my 41st birthday and say I used being 40 to help me evolve into a person I am proud to look at in the mirror I am doing GREAT.  So time to set the challenge.  I love playing with numbers so this is how it looks. Before I start I reckon this is the 14th time I have strongly decided to stop drinking. I started this challenge on the 14/4/14  hangover free and ready.  It is 14 weeks until my birthday and I will be 41.  So during that time I will be setting myself mini challenges that relate to living a fulfilling life without alcohol.  I know to succeed I need to find new ways to spend my time and make myself feel great and one of the best places for that is engrossed in writing and inspiring and coming up with routines and programs.  So to anyone who cares here is where my challenge begins.  My challenge for this lovely commitment free week of school holidays is to attempt to create my 14 week challenge.  So number 1 challenge is to create a meaningful program of challenges.  I am off to research what that may look like.  Within week 1 I will also need to create my mission and reasons for why I am doing this.  I will work on that later.
GO  ME!!

Thursday 3 April 2014

Coping Juice

Oh this image says it all.  I am not drinking wine, I am drinking coping juice.  Question is...am I coping now that I am drinking the coping juice?  Has wine helped me cope? In some form or fashion it has but am I happy and proud of the person I am?  So you might be coping but you are using a substance that it not good for you and therefore causes you to not feel proud and positive that you are being true to yourself.  I am true to myself, I just do things that are not aligned with the person I would like to be.  Do you get what I am saying? The coping juice is only vaguely temporary and I say I am coping because I get up the next day and I run, I work, I manage my family and do all the things to appear to be coping.  I am not coping.  I am not getting the parenting thing right, I still can't seem to create the routine and structure we all need to thrive and at the end of the day instead of sitting down and evaluating how I went and what is happening I run to my beloved coping juice.  So I think the jury is out.  Unless someone like me cares a awful whole lot, nothings going to get better, it's not.

Wednesday 19 March 2014

Can I be a moderate drinker?

Happy Birthday Party to Brett!  Oh man dealing with my children is so challenging.  We took Brett out for dinner and they were just so selfish, rude, inconsiderate and what I would call down right mean.  It was a horrible fighty and sad birthday for Brett  So what do I do, drink.  I have things to do tomorrow but does that stop me?  Even under the affluence of incahol I still see what I am doing, but can I stop?  Nah, Im not hurting anyone and it feels so much better here in my hazy, floating and loopy existence.  I am going to leave it there now and continue this in a better and more level headed (if not a little clouded) moment.

Yes last night sucked but lately it seems we have way too many sucky days.  I don't write here much anymore because I feel like I am stuck in the biggest dumper wave and there is no way out.  I can't find my way to the sanctuary of my writing or perhaps I just do not want to document this hell I am living in.  Everyday is a battle of me saying I have to get it together, telling myself not to drink, counting to 10 to calm down and never making it past 5, wishing I could just run away, being frightened to fall asleep on the couch, wishing my kids could just make things easier for us by loving each other and themselves and what this family means to us.  It is so hard.  I turned to the bottle again, cos I am being challenged yet again by my boys extreme behaviours.  How many mums get told daily to f off and are told they are a loser and are hit, pushed or kicked in some fashion by their 11 years old?  How the hell am I going to handle this for the next 5 or more years.  Alcohol is just a temporary crutch.  It is not going to get me out of this hole.  I need to find a way to FIX this.

After my counselling session I feel like I have yet again off loaded a lot,  I have to find something to replace my boozy habit. I love when I am practising my mindfulness exercises but so often forget to use them at the most crucial times.  I also have to see if I can drink moderately, is it an all or nothing for me?  I know now that Brett is unwilling to help me by trying to abstain for a while so I have to do it despite of that.  Oh if only the feelings I get from the first sip didn't feel so good.  Well lets just see how I go.  Any wagers on how you think I might go?

Tuesday 25 February 2014

Do it anyway

It is nearing the end of February and progress has been slow but apparent in small ways. I've kept up my weights, lost some weigh and had a few days off wine. I have admitted I have some issues to attend to and am seeking help from professionals and I am on a mission to find my breakthrough.  I have been down this path before and even thought that this is it but I think I am realising that there is no "it" there is just here and now.  I have to learn some new skills to deal with all my unhelpful thoughts and stop trying to stop them, ignore them or critically judge them to the point of paralysis.  So thoughts like I am not going to set up the visual timetable because it won't work is the unhelpful thought, well, I need to say, thanks brain for that thought but I am okay, I think its worth a try and DO IT ANYWAY.... I like that notion, it resonates with me and could very well work.  For too long I have been trying to stop this or change that or deal with them and instead I need to just take what I have and move in the direction of what I truly want and what is useful for me to move forward.  I see, my brain says.  So no more am I going think I have to stop drinking, I am simply going to acknowledge the helpful factor of what I am doing and if its unhelpful I am going to move my actions or thoughts in the direction of what it is I truly value.  I want my family life to improve and I know I am part of the solution but how good will I be at moving this family in a positive direction if I continually hide behind my desire to mask or kill my feelings with wine.  I need perspective, clarity and the ability to observe what is happening in the dynamics and that will not happen as long as I am drinking.  I have put myself into the bottle and hid from what needs to be done.  Can this be the wake up call you need Kate.  Your family needs you and I know you are going to say that your drinking has created the mess we are in at the moment but STOP.  Is that a helpful thought?  NO!!!. What could you say anyway Do it anyway!!! Well lets just see where this takes me.

OMG - one of my favourite bands has a great song called DO IT ANYWAY!!

Saturday 8 February 2014

The REAL deal

Has the penny dropped yet?  I am such a thinker I have been trying to gather my thoughts enough to get myself into the perfect headspace to move away from my destructive and unhealthy habits YET AGAIN!  I am quite disturbed by the fact that I have been perpetually trying to do this for ever.  Never feeling satisfied about where I am, constantly berating myself for lacking whatever I need to have to be a wholesome, clean honourable person.  The voices in my head are yelling at me.  Come on stop this, find your peace! But at the same time they are tapping me on the shoulder and saying come on, you can still keep your pride whilst swilling down bottle after bottle of wine, or consuming too much peanut butter or ice cream or whatever other nasty I can find.  I am not proud of myself and I am not liking myself and if I was being really honest I am on a downhill slope headed to Shit Town.  I have to get to a place where I am no longer tormenting myself and I am smiling and waving because I am proud of what I am doing and what I have done.  So here I go again going down the only road I have ever known but this time I am going to fly.  It all begins right here, right now.  

Inside each of us, there’s a state of mind where being good to ourselves, others, and the planet is effortless. Don’t try to do good or be good. Just find that state of mind, and it’s all smooth flying from there.

So off I go in search of that state of mind.  It all starts here and now...you have everything you need right now so, fly away.



Monday 3 February 2014

Carrying on

Well here I am in February recovering from a serious, what I am going to call  "spiky plateau". Whoops I fell down, got up, fell down got up a few too many times.  I have decided to take it on the chin and as my lovely quote next to these words says, carry on.  Yesterday is gone.  Time to face today and as we all know, tomorrow is a new day with may new possibilities.   So with these words I am preparing for the change.  I need...
1. Commitment
2, Consistency and
3. Clarity.
I am sick of trying to do this or that, I know I have said this before but...THERE IS NO TRY ONLY DO OR DO NOT or maybe DID NOT ;)... So yes, I do want to change and yes I do want to do things differently but I do not commit and I do let my silly habits get in the way.  So, give me a week and I will be ready to face this head on.  I will ease off the booze, I will eat less, I will consistently do my weights and I will get on with what needs to be done to create a peaceful, organised family.

Go me, yet again... Not giving in!!!