Keep going..

Need I say anymore?

What I want most is structure, strength and stability

I am feeling great, enjoying this middle part of October on this change for greater things.  Today I am feeling really clear and full of optimism.  I have got through the past 2 weeks very well, a few hard moments but lucky I have realised that food can be just as comforting, so can a diet lemon lime and bitters so I am doing okay.  I am not succeeding on losing the weight I wanted to on the challenge and 70kg is still more than 5kg's away but hey I am sticking in there and I am doing this for me, my health and for the happiness of my family.  A more comfortable me will mean things work better around the house and I want that for my family. So as I chow down on my broccoli smoothie I reflect and say that things are great.  What I am getting right is that I am not giving up on what I want most for the momentary joy I get from choc or wine.  I wouldn't even think of drinking at the moment.  I have so much support behind me.  I do not feel embarrassed that I have put my story out there I just knew that for me, it would prove to be a helpful thing and man I was right.  I have raised over $300 for my quest and I am feel so damn good, it is the best thing I could be doing right now and for this I am winning.
Things I will work on for rest of the month.

1. Focused eating following a strict plan
2. Good hardcore exercise sessions 6 days a week
3. plan  my eating for the day the night before
4. Get ball rolling on plans for future
5. Work on the tax every day.

Go Me!

A celebration of the great things we are capable of doing

GREAt GOALS for October and beyond

1. Remain sober for Ocsober
2. Have all the tax lodged
3. Organise for bathroom to be redone
4. Get closer to 70kg
5. Feed my body great food for a cleaner and healthier existence
6.  Practise mindfulness and meditate
7.  Organise for bathroom to be redone
8.  Run stronger and faster

I think I may have turned a corner.  Feeling a cloud is lifting and I am coming into a more clear and calm existence.  If not only momentarily I am glad these moments are becoming more frequent in my life.

I have a fun and exciting term planned with my plan to remain Alcohol free at the forefront but I am also going to Byron to have a day of Yoga fun which will be the impetus for an evolving in my being. I am sick of thinking I need to BE different and think that I am a failure when I do not live up to my high expectations of DOING.  It is now time to called it .... an EVOLUTION>

The dictionary defines Evolution as..
a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development,


Sure this still means thing have to change.  I can do that but it will be gradual, peaceful and progressive.  I feel good thinking in those terms, it sounds so much more friendlier.  So off I go on my mission.  Day 2 and things are going well.  I will meet my goals.

YOU CHOOSE!

Post Stampede - onwards and upwards

Looking very cautious on slippery slide at Stampede
Look at me go, I am queen of the world

Hi Everybody..   A few weeks on and all is okay.  Just doing it at the moment. but that is okay.

Oh Yes, another challenge

I am laughing Rohan Atkinson laughing and saying..."It is a race, I am winning!". Off he goes out the door and he is stoked cos although his competetition is close on his tail, he is winning.  I am in a race and I am only winning if I am doing this at least 95% so I am yet to be winning.  It reminds me that I am currently in a competition.  I am not performing brilliantly but I am here and I am somewaht doing it.  As usual I get it right for 7/10 of the day and then I blow it.  Well at least today I can say I did not have any sultanas.

Yep, I am 20 and 67 ish kilos,

This competition has found me 5kg heavier than I have been for a while and the reality hit sets in again.  I look in the mirror and my confidence is waning, I can feel the flab around my gut and I don't like it.  I think to myself that it is time to set some new goals and feel the motivation and desire I need to so I can achieve something in this challenge but I am not quite in it, yet.  I still want to drink my beloved wine and I even spurge on chocolate occasionally so what gives?

That is me around 65ishkg's at 25

Me in April 2012

I need to find out what motivates me.  Why do I want to be 69.5kg?  Is it to say I can?  Is that a strong enough motivator.  I Kate want to be 69.5Kg because I CAN!!! Woohoo I feel the motivators screaming and cheering.  Kate Harrison got to 69.5 kilos because she could.  She was ready to eliminate that miffin top feeling and strived for the goal and reached it.  There I am 69.5kg light.  Lets see what that looks like....

So I have shown the me's.  The one to the right is me in April last year 2012 and I will take a photo of me now.

Maybe these can help motivate me a little.

Me today

Failure brings me that much closer to success

View over water at Mooloolaba

Here is a picture of what I am doing right now, ys lapping up the view and reflecting on the fun I have had this weekend.

I have met yet another goal and I am working  hard to try and tell myself what I achieved was great.  It was great.  Half marathon, 21.1k in 2 hours 1 min and 30 seconds.  I know it was almost 10 minutes slower that my training buddy who keeps on getting better but for me it was fine.  I found it hard and I pushed myself the best way I could based on my circumstances.  I am trying to come to terms with why I continue to not do as well as I hope to but I don’t get it and I am not sure it is worth wasting energy on.  I did it.  Most people don’t do it.  I came 60 in my age group out of 129 so that is pretty good .  I am always saying and totally believe that we should not compare ourselves to others but then I waste energy feeling crap that I cant gloat the PB’s that Deborah gets.  In fact I am getting worse.  I thought about the extra 3 kilos I carried and know that would have made a difference.  So then what do I want to do about it?  Eat more than I should and drink more too.  Ah listen to me, I am not liking this whole thought process.  This will be my last rambling blog.  From now on I going to try and be more informative based on my journey.  Well because I am so blessed to be able to see this beautiful  view and live my life I am going to concentrate my efforts on being more calm and healthful.

I am a little lost again as I have let the wining creep back in.  I am back on the horse today but I feel my resolve has diminished.  Sometimes I just can’t work me out.  I know we are surrounded by the culture and for me having Brett around wining makes it so hard.  I just want to lose the desire to drink and I know I would then be free.  I am back in the thought pattern I get into where I rationalize what I am doing saying it won’t effect me.  I am better and more relaxed etc….  I can still run, in fact you ran so well last week after having a few wines the night before.  I even thought it would be okay to drink a couple before my big Half Marathon because I was so fine the week before.  If anything the stupid heavy leg thing did not happen.  I do not think that the way I drink really effects my life.  That is whas hundreds and thousands of people say but no matter which way you look at it , you are.  Your body, your brain cells, your organs, your mind, your wallet, all are effected

I was looking back at past ramblings and even in February 2009 I was wishing I drank less.  I am almost 5 years into wishing I didn’t drink.  Sure I have had plenty of wonderful moments with wine but I am more tormented and lost than ever.  Okay I have been reading some things centred around spiritual stuff lately and I feel this is an area I need to add into my life.  I feel like something is missing and I have thought it was that my spark disappers with the medications I take to manage my moods but I think that it is the spiritual side of me that is my spark and I have left it behind.  I am doing well living in the moment but I want to ignite the forces within.  I feel like I am destined for something biger and Inknow all I have to do is tap into it and I will find it.   I think by meditating and doing more yoga I will find my spark and by including things like that which bring me health and vitality I will be more likely to drink.  I a think I am willing to give the Naltrexone treatment a go as I would like to train my brain to feel less happiness when I drink.  One thing that has really helped me is the fact that drinking alcohol releases endorphins and your brain gets used to that feel and basically craves it which is extrememly hard to tame.  As I understand it, unless you can do the same thing and have those receptors blocked you will forever have to deal with the alcohol monster.

Yep. not going too well but recognising the challenge

Yes, the title says it all.

I am currently in a holding pattern and have fallen into the vortex of my beloved wine.  Why?  Because I am more fun, I feel better, I can cope with what is going on within my environment with a much smilier  disposition.  You may call them excuses but I am calling them part of this evil addiction.  Do you know how evil my mind or I am?  Sometimes it is hard to separate the two.  I have found a book called... The cure for Alcoholism.  Boasting an 80 percent success rate.  Hilarious thing is that you actually have to be drinking in order for it to work.  So I think hell forgot this abstinence I will go back to drinking, see the doc and maybe get them to prescribe this naltrexone and finally be free of this evil hold.  But for now the abstinence is back on hold.

I will give you some basic background.  The Sinclair Method is what it is called and it basically works on the premise that Alcohol releases endorphins into our brain and we "learn" to drink. Some people are better at using that response to Learn to drink better than others and get hooked on getting that Endorphin rush and therefore find it harder to control their drinking.  So in order to stop.  You take a drug one hour before you drink which aims to stop you from getting that rush and therefore unlearning to drink for the rush.  You no longer get the rush and so therefore slowly your cravings subside and with that, your desire to drink and you are free of the addiction.  A key thing here is your brain is biologically addicted to drinking.

I have got sucked into the idea this may be for me because I am never fully free from the desire to drink. I keep having urges and cravings and fights with myself.  I am imagining that maybe I could be free of the desire simply by unlearning how to drink and therefore losing the desire to drink.  I think I may need this if I truly want to be free.

So at the moment I am giving myself permission to drink.  I know, I know, I said I would stop but I am listening to my brain and I am thinking.  As long as wine is around me I have to learn to stop loving it or I will be forever tormented and that just is not how I want to live my life.  I want to be free.

The story continues....

I choose health

As I work towards a healthier me who chooses HEALTH I am reminded of how great it is to simply think the thoughts you want to have happen and feel that you are vibrationally aligned.  I choose health.  I will make myself a lovely stir fry for lunch and drink my tea and enjoy feeling great because I CHOOSE HEALTH, wine and health do not align.  CHOOSE HEALTH.

Here are a few of my affirmation rocks that I will be using. At the moment, I choose the guy in the middle, healthy simple rock that he is.  I am going to ROCK this.  Oh I love it! ROCK this? Get it?  Rocks are going to prove to be a very powerful for me, I know that.  Feeling good and getting better!

Creating Positive Change

Dear Universe,

All of my life I have wanted to move in this new direction. I have felt it calling me, I have felt it just beyond my reach, although I have not always been able to clearly define that place or what it might mean for me.

I have always known that I was destined for more - being more,loving more, sharing more, having more.

Although I am uncertain, although I still cannot name all the changes I desire, my heart is open to them if they be for my Highest Good.

Today I honour my yearning for change, and I offer it up to you,trusting that I will be guided to discover the next steps, that I will be drawn to inspiration and opportunity, and that I can create a life for myself which is more expansive, more aligned to my purpose, more in flow.

My commitment to you is that for the next 8 weeks (and beyond) I am willing to explore and open to the possibilities of change, and to celebrate the many Blessings I already enjoy.

With love and gratitude,

Kate :) 

Thanks again to Nicole from Cauldrons and Cupcakes I am about to embark on an 8 week change program.  I feel the past month has got me so ready for this.  I feel like I am really coming from a good place to allow wonderful things into my life.  With a better hold on my health and wellbeing things are looking up.  I love that I not feeling that yucky feeling I get when I have wronged myself so much.  No, today I am ready.  Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery and today I accept the gift of Presence. Join be in this journey if you like, simply click on the link below and let us do this.
.Creating Positive Change - Cauldrons and Cupcakes

A message to help me through!

Thank you to Nicole from Cauldons and Cupcakes for this wonderful message

8: Star of Hope Tree:

♥ Message - Now is a time of endings. Patterns are being broken, hard times and suffering shall fall away. You are called upon to have courage, to look deep into your own heart and to let go of all that is holding you back. Know that you will not remain empty-handed for long. Sometimes we need to put our burdens down first, before we can pick up something new that will be more suited to our needs, talents and energies. Ask for help if it is needed. Seek professional guidance and emotional support, call upon your Guides, Angels, Ancestors and God, whatever you perceive that energy to be.

♥ Crystal - Smoky Quartz

♥ Action Step - Identify a habit, relationship or pattern that you are ready to change.  Look for guidance in bringing about that change. Research, find support and actively seek to create something new that better serves you.

For more information about this go to

http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2013/08/03/tree-oracle-reading-for-embracing-change/

Pick yourself up and say TA DA!!!

TA DA!!!

So things aren't going as well for me today but tomorrow is a new day.  I noticed I have a few triggers that entice me to want to drink that I need to work through.  1. Dealing with my tax stuff is sickening stuff, enough to drive a woman to drink.  I have made so many silly mistakes and done so many things wrong, it is such a slap in the face. Breathe.  2.  When things aren't going so well for Manda (my sister) and instead of helping her I end up pissing her off because she has a fragmented sense of reality, it REALLY effects me.  I have copped serious text abuse today and I feel so beaten up, I am sure wine could console me.  However, today I am ready to deal with the vunerability, I took some Valium which means I can't have wine and I also have to drive and pick Lani up at 8.  I am going to get through this today. As soon as I hit a challenge things go down hill and I am not coping so well with how great I am feeling and have started to lean towards a more high and erratic disposition.  I so want to calm it with wine and I confess that last night I tried, it didn't work so I am back to reminding myself that wine is not going to help, I will beat this.  I will be a better me without wine.  I will.  I just wish I could see some more evidence.  I have not dealt well with the stresses my sister threw at me over the past 24 hours and have cried countless times.  What is it with all this crying.  I know things are a little challenging and I am feeling a little lonely but come on.  Pull yourself together.

Yep, I slipped on the Ice last night but I will get up!

Hello Monday I feel GREAT!!!

I am just astounded at how easy I have found the whole saying good bye to alcohol.  I know one of the secrets is not having someone else around me drinking and showing me how great it is but I am sure there is more to it than that.  There is still wine downstairs that I could choose to consume but I am not, why, because I want to make myself proud.  I want to be the healthy being I know I can be and being in good health means not drinking wine every night.

Life is full of birds and tea and a happier me!!!

I have been one of those women that could stop and start drinking pretty easily without much grief.  Once I say I am not drinking for a month I usually did a fine job of getting through.  The problem was I was continually focused on not drinking and not really focused on what I could do instead of drinking and what I could do to feel better despite the aggravations in my life.  I would talk to my support people and no one had the answers.  I would usually walk away from most conversations feeling like I had permission to drink because my circumstances were too challenging not to have it in my life.  What a cop out.  I guess as I have often been reminded, the desire and answers to being alcohol free were inside me and the only way I would be free is if I found a why to soothe my soul without running away.

I have realised that one of my issues is not allowing myself to feel the pain or anger, grief or whatever other feeling you want to call it.  I sat last night so disappointed in the way my son treated his sister and usually that would be a trigger for me to go and have a soothing gulp of wine.  I sat protecting her from anymore animosity while she showered and felt the despair and sorrow.  I cried.  I don't ever cry.  I have cried three times this week.  I feel bummed about the challenges that Oskar is bringing to my life and sad for Lani for having to cope with all that crap but my usual responses have been to get angry, runaway, become despondent and this is not solving the issues.  I am going to say that last night was a breakthrough for us because I did not get mad.  I hugged and soothed Lani's angry heart and reminded her that happiness will only come when we don't hold in our mind any unpleasant thing that has

occurred in the past and helped her through it.  I read to her and made her feel loved and beautiful.  Luckily Oskar had decided the best place for him was bed, but instead of lecturing and getting angry I gave him a warm shirt and a hug and told him...  "I love you for always, I"ll like you forever as long as we're living my baby you'll be."  He always likes to end his day saying I love you to me, no matter how crappy the bedtime, evening has been.  He awoke this morning and for the first time since I can remember he was nice to Lani and I and we had a pretty good morning.  I would like to think that my approach is working and maybe being calmer and less intoxicated has something to do with it.  Brett has been a way for a week now and we are settling into our routines.  It is different without him being around and instead of making it hard and challenging I am trying to make it work, I am pleased with results so far.

GO Me!!

Find what I am lacking to seek comfort

I drank to find comfort in something I was lacking. They say that a sincere desire to stop drinking is the first step towards the road to recovery and I think that is why I am doing so well so far.  I have finally decided I really do not want alcohol in my life anymore.  This is HUGE. This picture depicts exactly how I have been feeling about wine. I have been trapped inside the bottle thinking I can be safe inside from all that is outside it.  I drank instead of feeling the yucky feelings, I drank to feel closer to people, I drank to feel happy, to be more productive and most of all I drank cos I liked how it felt.  Reality Bites but as I am learning it is not like the wine takes the bite away.  It just numbs the pain.  The bite is still there and instead of being a calm, sober and rationale being you are a clouded, high, intoxicated being.  GEEz, I have really found my way out.  We as a nation do have a problem because my thoughts are not the norm.  I only have to look outside the door and I will be given permission in some form or fashion to drink. Even though they are very rationale, they are not what people think.  Hell just tonight I here personal trainers offering alcoholic prizes for participants to name their boot camp.  In another instance if you introduce people to the gym you get two bottles of wine.  Did you know that if you have a Citibank card you get free wine at many restaurants?  We are surrounded by wine, I say wine cos that is what I notice but it really is everything.  People are angry at some politician because he has decided to tax beer and cigarettes more and people get angry saying we should leave them alone it may be all they have.  Maybe we need to be on a mission to find more for these people.  Why is alcohol such a scapegoat and friend to many?  So as I have found myself saying many times.  If it is meant to be, it is up to me.  It is time!

Stopping Alcohol

So I have finally taken the plunge and pledged to stop drinking alcohol.  I thought about saying for the rest of the year, for one year, for a month but have decided that I have to say forever because as long as I say I am quitting for this amount of time and there is still an inkling that I may ingest it again I am not going to be free of the demon that plagues so many of my daily thoughts.

I have got myself so far along the road to freeing myself from the clasps of that guy I call Boozy Brain but I still feel trapped. I still feel like I am victim to the voice in my head trying to convince that I can control the habit and I dont't have a problem.   I love wine, it makes me happy but with this in mind I also know that you sometimes need to set free the things you love and if they come back they were yours and if they don't they never were.  Seriously, wine is my friend.  Who am I kidding.  Each drop brings me closer to Cancer, and depletes my brain cells and increases my fat cells making me one dopey, fat sick woman.  I want to meet my personal standards and by that I mean being the healthy person I know I can be.  That does not mean ingesting a bottle a wine most nights and hiding away what had become destructive.  Sure I am not at rock bottom, not even close really.  My hubby and I get along pretty well, the kids barely know I drink, I get up everyday and get things done (yes I could do better), I run, I think, I work and I inspire but little do many know the hold that alcohol has on me.

Not anymore.  I am choosing freedom and as I said in my written pledge.  It is time to be true to me.

My buddies rock and doing True Grit with these guys was unreal!

We all can say we had the best time and greatness was achieved my all.  Hence the team name ALL GREAT. 25 people joined my team on July 13 to take themselves to places they had never gone before and we all have stories to tell but all come with the most satisfied grins and smirks of achievement.  I highly recommend going and giving these obstacle challenges a go.  You will come out braver, stronger and enthralled with your achievements.  Yay Team ALL GREAT!  See you at Stampede on Sunday 15th September where we will do it all again.

Celebrating 40 years of Greatness by being my Greatest

Last Monday I turned 40 and have now officially
moved into another phase of my life, some call it Middle Age some call it another Passage and others just say another decade.  Whatever you call it I have chosen to make a big deal about it and celebrate where I have been and look forward to where I am going.  I know that I have achieved a lot but the secret side of me wishes that there would have been some all mighty switch when I actually turned 40 and things will have been different. Unfortunately I did not prepare myself for such a transformation and so now have to accept that there is going to be some adjusting to do.  It will not all happen in one foul swoop.  I was kidding myself that I was going to all of a sudden wake up enlightened and ready to be a better version of myself.  These things need to be done with some level of organisation and planning.  I do question why I did not choose that planning approach but I guess I am still stuck in some bad habits where the path of comfort, wine, less thinking is far more enticing.  I have really dropped my bundle in the past two weeks and have allowed all my bad habits to sneak back in.  How does that happen? Some would say that it has been a little full on brewing up to my big day and I totally felt like letting loose, being carefree and indulgent but why did I let the things I know are so bad for me creep back in?  What happen?  Ah I could sit here trying to analyse it but instead I think I am going to use my bulging stomach, cloudy head and messy disposition to be my guiding light.  I need to develop my Primary foods, my spiritualism, my career, my relationships and some of these areas need attention.  So for today...  I have contributed to my good life my
1. Getting up before the sun to run with my buddy
2. Taken time out to learn something new
3. Shared some joy with others
4. Contemplated what I need to do to align with healthy me
5. Said no to sausage sandwich
6. Apologised


To find your mission in life is to discover the intersection between your heart’s deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger (Frederick Beekner).

I'm back in therapy and ready to change

Hi again, its been exactly 148 days since my last confession (I mean post) and I am intrigued as to why I have not made this therapy part of my life anymore.  Things are pretty well the same, not a lot has changed and that is simply because I have not really changed anything. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” –Aristotle.  How can I ever expect excellence if I keep doing things that are less than excellent?  Well I am making yet another shift today and vowing at least for the next 21 days to keep you posted as to my progress.  

This may only be through simple posts on Facebook but I am going to do something about my discontentment and my 30% body fat and my secret wining habit and my agitated home life and my angry heart.  From this day forth I am a new me.  I woke up this morning in my new me fashion and ate chicken sausages and tomatoes for breakfast.  As part of this 21 day protein diet that is what I have to do.    Tick, this 21 day diet will be a cinch.  In my new me fashion I then organised something I have been meaning to do for a while and sorted through a few issues whilst letting my brekkie settle so I could wait the prescribed 2 hours before working out.  My workout consisted of a very quick and dirty metabolic conditioning session.
10 box jumps, 10 pull up presses and 10 kettle bell swings as many times as you can in 20 minutes.  I lost count at 20 (phew).  I felt my body being conditioned as I worked and man my arms are feeling it now.  I returned home to quickly document the session and now it is on to completing the report cards, eating some chicken and salad and hoping to god that Boozy Brain will leave me alone this afternoon and being the best me I can be.

Let the games begin, it is time for a change.

The Rocky, Bumpy Road to getting "There"

I am thinking about another Leunig poem I use as a metaphor for my life.  It is called Getting there.  I have pasted it here for your enjoyment.  A little man sets off to "There" and it basically states that the only way to get there is to keep going as far as you can insinuating that there is no "There".  So I often think about this when I am thinking about goals I have and the "There's I want to experience and am reminded time and time again that there is no better then here and once you get there you are in fact here and here is all you have.  So you set a "There" goal.  One of mine at the moment is to get to 69kg before the end of this round.  Once I am at 69kg, I will sing and dance and let it all out but then I will go on and on.  Off to another There which may or not be another weight loss goal.  My point is I am reminded that I am perfect now and my here is just fine.  When I had the "There" goal to run a half marathon I have to say that it was the training and journey that was the most interesting, intriguing, fun, challenging and pooed all over the actual event.  I liked the fact that I did it and loved many moment of the hour and 56 minutes I bathed in as I pranced to my There but then it was over and I was like all "now what?".  I think my point is here that it really is important to enjoy the journey.  How does this refer to my goal to drink less wine?  As I battle to have yet another alcohol free night knowing that here would be so much better with a wine I need to stop for a moment I need to bathe myself in the great feelings I am having now. Well maybe I need to create a few because I am not totally sure things wouldn't be better if I had a drink.  nah, it wouldn't, I'd have lost the battle and allowed to succumb yet again to Boozy Brain.  I am better without it.  Will I ever get to a "There" where I will be free of the demon voice inside me begging to give it a drink?  I am not sure but for now, here I am basking in the glory of another alcohol free night, pondering and enjoying some personal freedom to reflect and enjoy that my Here is fabulous.  What's that kids??? Yeah sure I will get you some muffins and yoghurt.  Did you just hear a buzzer? My time "here" is over.

Epic Weightloss Fail

Well the news is just in and it is not great.  I reluctantly stepped on the scales this morning only to find that I have gained a whopping 2.2kg in the past two weeks.  AGHHHHHHH.  Yes it frightened me, I tried going to the toilet and coming back only to find a nominal change.  Oh know, I have to own this gain.  I have drank far too much and nibbled my way up the scales.  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, what a bumber.  Two weeks ago I didn't turn my car around, I kept partying and eating and playing and forgetting I am supposed to be losing weight.  AGHHHHHH.  So where to now?  Is it too late to turn the car around?  NO!! If I continue doing what I am doing I will only get heavier and heavier, is that what you want, Kate?  I see exactly what the error in my ways was so what am I going to do about it NOW?  I am not going to turn the car around becasue for too long I have not being getting it right.  I have only kinda been getting it right and that will not do.  I am actually going to take the next EXIT and change a few things  I just downloaded the food diary, ate the prescibed Brekky, lined up a run with my buddy for later this afternoon, threw out the delicious truffles I was devouring in secret and I am making some CHANGES.  I have that tune in my head "Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes..." and I am not going to let this beat me.  I am committed to CHANGING my drinking habits and snacking habits  and I am going to do what it takes to get my weight under 70kg before the end of this round.  It is not too late.  I can do this, I know I can, I know can, I know I can.

Come on baby, it is time for a change!!!!