My story

I have been thinking that writing my story as if I am already through this tornado would be really interesting.  I am not liking where I am much at the moment.  I have fallen into some pretty self destructive patterns and I don't seem to care.  I am plodding through life not liking much at all.  When I am with the kids they brighten many moments but most of the time I am annoyed and saddened that we have to live like this.  I try to spend my many spare moments doing things but always end up in a heap on the couch staring blankly at the tv pining for my next fix.  I even started smoking again.  After 12 years I have been popping outside for a puff 3 or 4

times a night.  I say to myself its not that bad but I am kidding myself.  I am appalled with myself.  What the hell am I doing???  Something has a hold of me and as I sit here in my semi clear moment I say.  I am not going to do it anymore.  I don't like me doing it and it is not who I am or who I stand for.   I am not really getting any good out of it.  I also can't seem to get back on my wagon of being alcohol free yet again, surprise, surprise.  Bloody hell.  My perpetual cycle of  hell.  When will I be able to say enough is enough.

You don't hear much from people in the struggle as there is not much to gain from hearing of my misery.  What we want to hear is how did you get through?  How is your story going to unfold?  For 6 years now and probably more you have been unhappy with some of your lifestyle choices.  However since as long as I can remember I have been a walking hypocrite, but I do get something right.  I go to the gym, do some yoga, but then what do I do?  Nice label isn't it.  On one side I advocate for healthy living, I exercise, I study life, I meditate sometimes and I eat well (generally) and then I have this demon side which is where I over consume wine, sweets, cheese, bread and I have a bad attitude.

There is this technique pychs use called Value Directed Actions.  I am keen to see how acting from my values could change my life.  I think this has been the key to me making choices that are counter to my values.  Why I do it I am not sure I bet I could search and find an answer on the internet though.

‘What is it I want for myself and the significant others I love, right now?’
I will go on a search to find out.

Help

Oh me oh my I would not wish this whole marriage separation on anyone.  I am in such a crappy place and the thing I worry the post about is how I might be impacting on my kids. My mood is in a shambles and I feel soooo bad.  I am not my best me and in fact I am on a slippery slope to hell.  I want to be better but I am hurting so much.  I feel so much guilt and sadness for what I think is a failed marriage. I am not sure how to return from here but there will be so much better.  Please God help me get through this without out letting me fall into the pit of despair where I will only find one option.

Come on, lets sort this addiction out!

I am on am mission to say that this week I will have no alcohol. It s a huge mission because my kids really challenge me over the holidays (wine makes it better?) so I am going to find new ways to deal with it. I love the feeling I have today having not drank last night. I am on a mission to get back on my no alcohol wagon and there are just a few things I am going to remember to help me. Perhaps they could help you. Alcohol is like a fat bomb that explodes all over your body.1. Having alcohol can negate your workouts not just because of the excess calories but because it decreases muscle growth.2. Alcohol promotes the production of oestrogen which promotes fat storage3. It is the simplest and most fattening sugar of all 4. Your liver is a fat burning organ so if its busy processing the wine it can't metabolize all the calories you consumed. So for every drink you consume you are slowing down your metabolism so your body isn't burning fat, in fact its storing it.5. Finally, I have created a habit where my brain expects to be boosted by alcohol, if I stop having it, there will be an adjustment period and I will need to ride the wave of not getting that "happy" feeling for a while and that is okay.So high five and lets enjoy an alcohol free week, day by day 

•  High Five · 0

Why overeat and get fat in the first place

I have had the pleasure of my mothers' company over the past 10 days and I have to say I am coping quite well.  It must say something about  the place I am at at the moment in myself.  I have often found spending time with her annoying and disconcerting as many of her quirks really rubbed me up the wrong way.  This time I am accepting all of her lovingly and allowing her to be her and not letting things bother me too much.  In fact when I feel a moment of discomfort that centres around what she has said or done I stop and look at what I might be able to learn from the situation.  

Something that as has me thinking is this whole idea of why she obsesses over what she eats.  She has to be one of the most diligent and what I will call obsessive people when it comes to what she eats and how much she eats and how she keeps her body as tiny as it is.

How do we know?

Well a few days have passed and yes the roller coaster continues.  I am able to distract myself a bit with my diet and exercise focus which is great but the reality of what my life is still ringing loudly.  On one side I am feeling relief as I begin to feel more comfortable just being me without all the added "noise", personal discomfort and stress but then there is this other side wondering what I have done and what will this life have in stall for me.  I am still so lost and I know that it will continue to be filled with challenges, i have to ask myself, am I strong enough to do this?  I know why I chose this path and I knew it would be hard but I so wish there was a guide book that could help me know what I need to do to be stronger and work smarter.

Me and my words

I am one of those people who can accidentally say stupid things without thinking.  words fall out of my mouth sometimes and I have to ask myself did I just say that allowed?  Unfortunealty more often than not I did say it out loud and these days I am finding myself in a lot of trouble because of it.  My kids are finding it tough having to go between two houses and all the trauma that goes with dealing with your parents not living together.  The one thing I have found is with their sensitivity and my vulnerability I am having more occasions where I am screaming in my head with shame because I said something that is taken the wrong way.

Time to drop some fat

I have avoided babbling on about weight stuff for a while as thinking about anything that may appear vain and self indulgent seemed way to irrelevant to what I needed to be focused on. Life with my family had sucked and there has been no room for taking care of myself (WRONG). I have a fin attitude to paying attention to what you eat and being healthy which is coming to front a lot lately.  As I entertain my mother who's life revolves around her healthy strict eating plan I am reminded of just howl little attention I have being paying to what goes into my mouth.  So much so that I am back up at 83kg and hating myself and how hard it is making everything for me.  If I don't do something about this soon I am going to have to go buy more clothes.  I have already had to get come cheap stand in stuff as most of my gear is sitting wrong and making me look terrible.  So I am back on the weight loss wagon.  I am going use the analogy of fat falling off my body to match the idea of strings being cut to help me fly.  I think focusing on what I eat will be great.  So I have got My Fitness Pal back and I am tracking what I eat.  Did you know that if you track your food you lose double the weight.  Nice stat.  Keep recording I say.