Failure brings me that much closer to success

View over water at Mooloolaba

Here is a picture of what I am doing right now, ys lapping up the view and reflecting on the fun I have had this weekend.

I have met yet another goal and I am working  hard to try and tell myself what I achieved was great.  It was great.  Half marathon, 21.1k in 2 hours 1 min and 30 seconds.  I know it was almost 10 minutes slower that my training buddy who keeps on getting better but for me it was fine.  I found it hard and I pushed myself the best way I could based on my circumstances.  I am trying to come to terms with why I continue to not do as well as I hope to but I don’t get it and I am not sure it is worth wasting energy on.  I did it.  Most people don’t do it.  I came 60 in my age group out of 129 so that is pretty good .  I am always saying and totally believe that we should not compare ourselves to others but then I waste energy feeling crap that I cant gloat the PB’s that Deborah gets.  In fact I am getting worse.  I thought about the extra 3 kilos I carried and know that would have made a difference.  So then what do I want to do about it?  Eat more than I should and drink more too.  Ah listen to me, I am not liking this whole thought process.  This will be my last rambling blog.  From now on I going to try and be more informative based on my journey.  Well because I am so blessed to be able to see this beautiful  view and live my life I am going to concentrate my efforts on being more calm and healthful.

I am a little lost again as I have let the wining creep back in.  I am back on the horse today but I feel my resolve has diminished.  Sometimes I just can’t work me out.  I know we are surrounded by the culture and for me having Brett around wining makes it so hard.  I just want to lose the desire to drink and I know I would then be free.  I am back in the thought pattern I get into where I rationalize what I am doing saying it won’t effect me.  I am better and more relaxed etc….  I can still run, in fact you ran so well last week after having a few wines the night before.  I even thought it would be okay to drink a couple before my big Half Marathon because I was so fine the week before.  If anything the stupid heavy leg thing did not happen.  I do not think that the way I drink really effects my life.  That is whas hundreds and thousands of people say but no matter which way you look at it , you are.  Your body, your brain cells, your organs, your mind, your wallet, all are effected

I was looking back at past ramblings and even in February 2009 I was wishing I drank less.  I am almost 5 years into wishing I didn’t drink.  Sure I have had plenty of wonderful moments with wine but I am more tormented and lost than ever.  Okay I have been reading some things centred around spiritual stuff lately and I feel this is an area I need to add into my life.  I feel like something is missing and I have thought it was that my spark disappers with the medications I take to manage my moods but I think that it is the spiritual side of me that is my spark and I have left it behind.  I am doing well living in the moment but I want to ignite the forces within.  I feel like I am destined for something biger and Inknow all I have to do is tap into it and I will find it.   I think by meditating and doing more yoga I will find my spark and by including things like that which bring me health and vitality I will be more likely to drink.  I a think I am willing to give the Naltrexone treatment a go as I would like to train my brain to feel less happiness when I drink.  One thing that has really helped me is the fact that drinking alcohol releases endorphins and your brain gets used to that feel and basically craves it which is extrememly hard to tame.  As I understand it, unless you can do the same thing and have those receptors blocked you will forever have to deal with the alcohol monster.

Yep. not going too well but recognising the challenge

Yes, the title says it all.

I am currently in a holding pattern and have fallen into the vortex of my beloved wine.  Why?  Because I am more fun, I feel better, I can cope with what is going on within my environment with a much smilier  disposition.  You may call them excuses but I am calling them part of this evil addiction.  Do you know how evil my mind or I am?  Sometimes it is hard to separate the two.  I have found a book called... The cure for Alcoholism.  Boasting an 80 percent success rate.  Hilarious thing is that you actually have to be drinking in order for it to work.  So I think hell forgot this abstinence I will go back to drinking, see the doc and maybe get them to prescribe this naltrexone and finally be free of this evil hold.  But for now the abstinence is back on hold.

I will give you some basic background.  The Sinclair Method is what it is called and it basically works on the premise that Alcohol releases endorphins into our brain and we "learn" to drink. Some people are better at using that response to Learn to drink better than others and get hooked on getting that Endorphin rush and therefore find it harder to control their drinking.  So in order to stop.  You take a drug one hour before you drink which aims to stop you from getting that rush and therefore unlearning to drink for the rush.  You no longer get the rush and so therefore slowly your cravings subside and with that, your desire to drink and you are free of the addiction.  A key thing here is your brain is biologically addicted to drinking.

I have got sucked into the idea this may be for me because I am never fully free from the desire to drink. I keep having urges and cravings and fights with myself.  I am imagining that maybe I could be free of the desire simply by unlearning how to drink and therefore losing the desire to drink.  I think I may need this if I truly want to be free.

So at the moment I am giving myself permission to drink.  I know, I know, I said I would stop but I am listening to my brain and I am thinking.  As long as wine is around me I have to learn to stop loving it or I will be forever tormented and that just is not how I want to live my life.  I want to be free.

The story continues....

I choose health

As I work towards a healthier me who chooses HEALTH I am reminded of how great it is to simply think the thoughts you want to have happen and feel that you are vibrationally aligned.  I choose health.  I will make myself a lovely stir fry for lunch and drink my tea and enjoy feeling great because I CHOOSE HEALTH, wine and health do not align.  CHOOSE HEALTH.

Here are a few of my affirmation rocks that I will be using. At the moment, I choose the guy in the middle, healthy simple rock that he is.  I am going to ROCK this.  Oh I love it! ROCK this? Get it?  Rocks are going to prove to be a very powerful for me, I know that.  Feeling good and getting better!

Creating Positive Change

Dear Universe,

All of my life I have wanted to move in this new direction. I have felt it calling me, I have felt it just beyond my reach, although I have not always been able to clearly define that place or what it might mean for me.

I have always known that I was destined for more - being more,loving more, sharing more, having more.

Although I am uncertain, although I still cannot name all the changes I desire, my heart is open to them if they be for my Highest Good.

Today I honour my yearning for change, and I offer it up to you,trusting that I will be guided to discover the next steps, that I will be drawn to inspiration and opportunity, and that I can create a life for myself which is more expansive, more aligned to my purpose, more in flow.

My commitment to you is that for the next 8 weeks (and beyond) I am willing to explore and open to the possibilities of change, and to celebrate the many Blessings I already enjoy.

With love and gratitude,

Kate :) 

Thanks again to Nicole from Cauldrons and Cupcakes I am about to embark on an 8 week change program.  I feel the past month has got me so ready for this.  I feel like I am really coming from a good place to allow wonderful things into my life.  With a better hold on my health and wellbeing things are looking up.  I love that I not feeling that yucky feeling I get when I have wronged myself so much.  No, today I am ready.  Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery and today I accept the gift of Presence. Join be in this journey if you like, simply click on the link below and let us do this.
.Creating Positive Change - Cauldrons and Cupcakes

A message to help me through!

Thank you to Nicole from Cauldons and Cupcakes for this wonderful message

8: Star of Hope Tree:

♥ Message - Now is a time of endings. Patterns are being broken, hard times and suffering shall fall away. You are called upon to have courage, to look deep into your own heart and to let go of all that is holding you back. Know that you will not remain empty-handed for long. Sometimes we need to put our burdens down first, before we can pick up something new that will be more suited to our needs, talents and energies. Ask for help if it is needed. Seek professional guidance and emotional support, call upon your Guides, Angels, Ancestors and God, whatever you perceive that energy to be.

♥ Crystal - Smoky Quartz

♥ Action Step - Identify a habit, relationship or pattern that you are ready to change.  Look for guidance in bringing about that change. Research, find support and actively seek to create something new that better serves you.

For more information about this go to

http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2013/08/03/tree-oracle-reading-for-embracing-change/

Pick yourself up and say TA DA!!!

TA DA!!!

So things aren't going as well for me today but tomorrow is a new day.  I noticed I have a few triggers that entice me to want to drink that I need to work through.  1. Dealing with my tax stuff is sickening stuff, enough to drive a woman to drink.  I have made so many silly mistakes and done so many things wrong, it is such a slap in the face. Breathe.  2.  When things aren't going so well for Manda (my sister) and instead of helping her I end up pissing her off because she has a fragmented sense of reality, it REALLY effects me.  I have copped serious text abuse today and I feel so beaten up, I am sure wine could console me.  However, today I am ready to deal with the vunerability, I took some Valium which means I can't have wine and I also have to drive and pick Lani up at 8.  I am going to get through this today. As soon as I hit a challenge things go down hill and I am not coping so well with how great I am feeling and have started to lean towards a more high and erratic disposition.  I so want to calm it with wine and I confess that last night I tried, it didn't work so I am back to reminding myself that wine is not going to help, I will beat this.  I will be a better me without wine.  I will.  I just wish I could see some more evidence.  I have not dealt well with the stresses my sister threw at me over the past 24 hours and have cried countless times.  What is it with all this crying.  I know things are a little challenging and I am feeling a little lonely but come on.  Pull yourself together.

Yep, I slipped on the Ice last night but I will get up!

Hello Monday I feel GREAT!!!

I am just astounded at how easy I have found the whole saying good bye to alcohol.  I know one of the secrets is not having someone else around me drinking and showing me how great it is but I am sure there is more to it than that.  There is still wine downstairs that I could choose to consume but I am not, why, because I want to make myself proud.  I want to be the healthy being I know I can be and being in good health means not drinking wine every night.

Life is full of birds and tea and a happier me!!!

I have been one of those women that could stop and start drinking pretty easily without much grief.  Once I say I am not drinking for a month I usually did a fine job of getting through.  The problem was I was continually focused on not drinking and not really focused on what I could do instead of drinking and what I could do to feel better despite the aggravations in my life.  I would talk to my support people and no one had the answers.  I would usually walk away from most conversations feeling like I had permission to drink because my circumstances were too challenging not to have it in my life.  What a cop out.  I guess as I have often been reminded, the desire and answers to being alcohol free were inside me and the only way I would be free is if I found a why to soothe my soul without running away.

I have realised that one of my issues is not allowing myself to feel the pain or anger, grief or whatever other feeling you want to call it.  I sat last night so disappointed in the way my son treated his sister and usually that would be a trigger for me to go and have a soothing gulp of wine.  I sat protecting her from anymore animosity while she showered and felt the despair and sorrow.  I cried.  I don't ever cry.  I have cried three times this week.  I feel bummed about the challenges that Oskar is bringing to my life and sad for Lani for having to cope with all that crap but my usual responses have been to get angry, runaway, become despondent and this is not solving the issues.  I am going to say that last night was a breakthrough for us because I did not get mad.  I hugged and soothed Lani's angry heart and reminded her that happiness will only come when we don't hold in our mind any unpleasant thing that has

occurred in the past and helped her through it.  I read to her and made her feel loved and beautiful.  Luckily Oskar had decided the best place for him was bed, but instead of lecturing and getting angry I gave him a warm shirt and a hug and told him...  "I love you for always, I"ll like you forever as long as we're living my baby you'll be."  He always likes to end his day saying I love you to me, no matter how crappy the bedtime, evening has been.  He awoke this morning and for the first time since I can remember he was nice to Lani and I and we had a pretty good morning.  I would like to think that my approach is working and maybe being calmer and less intoxicated has something to do with it.  Brett has been a way for a week now and we are settling into our routines.  It is different without him being around and instead of making it hard and challenging I am trying to make it work, I am pleased with results so far.

GO Me!!

Find what I am lacking to seek comfort

I drank to find comfort in something I was lacking. They say that a sincere desire to stop drinking is the first step towards the road to recovery and I think that is why I am doing so well so far.  I have finally decided I really do not want alcohol in my life anymore.  This is HUGE. This picture depicts exactly how I have been feeling about wine. I have been trapped inside the bottle thinking I can be safe inside from all that is outside it.  I drank instead of feeling the yucky feelings, I drank to feel closer to people, I drank to feel happy, to be more productive and most of all I drank cos I liked how it felt.  Reality Bites but as I am learning it is not like the wine takes the bite away.  It just numbs the pain.  The bite is still there and instead of being a calm, sober and rationale being you are a clouded, high, intoxicated being.  GEEz, I have really found my way out.  We as a nation do have a problem because my thoughts are not the norm.  I only have to look outside the door and I will be given permission in some form or fashion to drink. Even though they are very rationale, they are not what people think.  Hell just tonight I here personal trainers offering alcoholic prizes for participants to name their boot camp.  In another instance if you introduce people to the gym you get two bottles of wine.  Did you know that if you have a Citibank card you get free wine at many restaurants?  We are surrounded by wine, I say wine cos that is what I notice but it really is everything.  People are angry at some politician because he has decided to tax beer and cigarettes more and people get angry saying we should leave them alone it may be all they have.  Maybe we need to be on a mission to find more for these people.  Why is alcohol such a scapegoat and friend to many?  So as I have found myself saying many times.  If it is meant to be, it is up to me.  It is time!