I am just astounded at how easy I have found the whole saying good bye to alcohol. I know one of the secrets is not having someone else around me drinking and showing me how great it is but I am sure there is more to it than that. There is still wine downstairs that I could choose to consume but I am not, why, because I want to make myself proud. I want to be the healthy being I know I can be and being in good health means not drinking wine every night.
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| Life is full of birds and tea and a happier me!!! |
I have been one of those women that could stop and start drinking pretty easily without much grief. Once I say I am not drinking for a month I usually did a fine job of getting through. The problem was I was continually focused on not drinking and not really focused on what I could do instead of drinking and what I could do to feel better despite the aggravations in my life. I would talk to my support people and no one had the answers. I would usually walk away from most conversations feeling like I had permission to drink because my circumstances were too challenging not to have it in my life. What a cop out. I guess as I have often been reminded, the desire and answers to being alcohol free were inside me and the only way I would be free is if I found a why to soothe my soul without running away.
I have realised that one of my issues is not allowing myself to feel the pain or anger, grief or whatever other feeling you want to call it. I sat last night so disappointed in the way my son treated his sister and usually that would be a trigger for me to go and have a soothing gulp of wine. I sat protecting her from anymore animosity while she showered and felt the despair and sorrow. I cried. I don't ever cry. I have cried three times this week. I feel bummed about the challenges that Oskar is bringing to my life and sad for Lani for having to cope with all that crap but my usual responses have been to get angry, runaway, become despondent and this is not solving the issues. I am going to say that last night was a breakthrough for us because I did not get mad. I hugged and soothed Lani's angry heart and reminded her that happiness will only come when we don't hold in our mind any unpleasant thing that has
occurred in the past and helped her through it. I read to her and made her feel loved and beautiful. Luckily Oskar had decided the best place for him was bed, but instead of lecturing and getting angry I gave him a warm shirt and a hug and told him... "I love you for always, I"ll like you forever as long as we're living my baby you'll be." He always likes to end his day saying I love you to me, no matter how crappy the bedtime, evening has been. He awoke this morning and for the first time since I can remember he was nice to Lani and I and we had a pretty good morning. I would like to think that my approach is working and maybe being calmer and less intoxicated has something to do with it. Brett has been a way for a week now and we are settling into our routines. It is different without him being around and instead of making it hard and challenging I am trying to make it work, I am pleased with results so far.
GO Me!!
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