Failure brings me that much closer to success

View over water at Mooloolaba

Here is a picture of what I am doing right now, ys lapping up the view and reflecting on the fun I have had this weekend.

I have met yet another goal and I am working  hard to try and tell myself what I achieved was great.  It was great.  Half marathon, 21.1k in 2 hours 1 min and 30 seconds.  I know it was almost 10 minutes slower that my training buddy who keeps on getting better but for me it was fine.  I found it hard and I pushed myself the best way I could based on my circumstances.  I am trying to come to terms with why I continue to not do as well as I hope to but I don’t get it and I am not sure it is worth wasting energy on.  I did it.  Most people don’t do it.  I came 60 in my age group out of 129 so that is pretty good .  I am always saying and totally believe that we should not compare ourselves to others but then I waste energy feeling crap that I cant gloat the PB’s that Deborah gets.  In fact I am getting worse.  I thought about the extra 3 kilos I carried and know that would have made a difference.  So then what do I want to do about it?  Eat more than I should and drink more too.  Ah listen to me, I am not liking this whole thought process.  This will be my last rambling blog.  From now on I going to try and be more informative based on my journey.  Well because I am so blessed to be able to see this beautiful  view and live my life I am going to concentrate my efforts on being more calm and healthful.

I am a little lost again as I have let the wining creep back in.  I am back on the horse today but I feel my resolve has diminished.  Sometimes I just can’t work me out.  I know we are surrounded by the culture and for me having Brett around wining makes it so hard.  I just want to lose the desire to drink and I know I would then be free.  I am back in the thought pattern I get into where I rationalize what I am doing saying it won’t effect me.  I am better and more relaxed etc….  I can still run, in fact you ran so well last week after having a few wines the night before.  I even thought it would be okay to drink a couple before my big Half Marathon because I was so fine the week before.  If anything the stupid heavy leg thing did not happen.  I do not think that the way I drink really effects my life.  That is whas hundreds and thousands of people say but no matter which way you look at it , you are.  Your body, your brain cells, your organs, your mind, your wallet, all are effected

I was looking back at past ramblings and even in February 2009 I was wishing I drank less.  I am almost 5 years into wishing I didn’t drink.  Sure I have had plenty of wonderful moments with wine but I am more tormented and lost than ever.  Okay I have been reading some things centred around spiritual stuff lately and I feel this is an area I need to add into my life.  I feel like something is missing and I have thought it was that my spark disappers with the medications I take to manage my moods but I think that it is the spiritual side of me that is my spark and I have left it behind.  I am doing well living in the moment but I want to ignite the forces within.  I feel like I am destined for something biger and Inknow all I have to do is tap into it and I will find it.   I think by meditating and doing more yoga I will find my spark and by including things like that which bring me health and vitality I will be more likely to drink.  I a think I am willing to give the Naltrexone treatment a go as I would like to train my brain to feel less happiness when I drink.  One thing that has really helped me is the fact that drinking alcohol releases endorphins and your brain gets used to that feel and basically craves it which is extrememly hard to tame.  As I understand it, unless you can do the same thing and have those receptors blocked you will forever have to deal with the alcohol monster.